Since finishing my internship in June and graduating with my Master’s in July, I’ve been on what seems like a non-stop roller coaster. With one transition happening after another, I was enjoying the ride…constantly tired, a bit overwhelmed, but I was so thrilled to be done with school after 9 long (and expensive) years, that I had a desire to hit the ground running. And what I was running on, was that pure I’m-done-with-school-and-I-can-finally-practice-my-passion adrenaline rush.
And it finally just caught up with me.
And slapped me in the face.
For the last two weeks I’ve felt sub-par….enter: today. I found that I had no voice. Immediately, I freaked out. I even “squeaked” to someone,
“I can’t lose my voice! My voice is my livelihood!!”
…who knows what I meant by that. The point being, I felt defeated. Losing my voice was NOT an option at this moment – not when my job required me to be able to sing and verbally communicate with my clients! (For the record, you can actually communicate A LOT just through instruments.)
I also started to think about how this would hurt me financially. Being paid by the hour (with no benefits or sick leave) meant that I would lose all income during the time I had no voice. I needed so desperately to pay my student loans (& my husband’s), as well as the growing stack of soon-to-be-paid-late bills.
At the apex of my worrying whirlwind of anxious thoughts, I started to realize: I needed this.
Having no voice has not only made my mouth stop running…it has also helped with my racing thoughts. It has calmed me down in a sense. I was actually able to set aside my phone, as I knew I would not be able to talk (I did try calling a couple of people at first, but soon realized that no one could understand my squeaks anyway). When communicating with my husband, I felt as though my actions and words were more meaningful – that I had given them more thought before I (attempted to) say them, since it took a great amount of effort and patience to successfully get across my message.
And the SILENCE. What a beautiful thing.
By now, I’ve calmed down and accepted the fact that I can’t do anything about my voice being gone…and that I need to rest my voice & drink plenty of water (for my health, of course, but also so my SLP friends don’t get mad at me for “vocal abuse”) :).
I feel like meditating. I want to embrace this “quiet” mind. I want to remember what this feels like when my life is going a million miles a minute.